Live the Lesson

Will the REAL you PLEASE stand up?!

2010-11-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

It has been said that one of the hardest things to do is to be our true authentic selves. Fear of judgment from others and a deep-rooted belief that we are somehow ‘not enough’ often compel us to play roles and take on personas that don’t serve us and keep our true genius and gifts from emerging. As a result we never live up to our infinite potential and end up leading our lives in quite (and sometimes not-so-quite) desperation. Hoping that we will one day ‘find ourselves’ and experience the bliss and freedom that we say we want but, somewhere deep inside our consciousness, do not believe we deserve. Your very existence on the planet is your license to live a full and abundant life and be your real self. Find the courage to stand up for your right to be yourself. You were put on this earth to fulfill a unique and divinely designed purpose. The sooner you stop striving to be somebody that you are not and start celebrating and expressing the true beauty of who you are the sooner your purpose will be revealed to you.

Forgive and forget? Not exactly…..

2010-11-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness. For most of my life I believed that forgiving someone meant that, in addition to letting go of whatever anger or resentment I held toward them I also had to allow them the same level of access into my life that they enjoyed before the rift. I have since come to the very liberating realization that that is only partially true.

Forgiving someone and truly letting go IS a gift that we give to ourselves. The act of forgiveness spares our bodies from the physiological effects of anger and angst; frees up space in our mind for more important things; and gives us peace. As such I am a firm believer in forgiving, but not forgetting – at least not in the conventional sense.

Conflicts and challenges in personal and professional relationships give us opportunities to discover where people are in their consciousness. I know people who have the capacity to engage in heated discussions with a great deal of dignity and compassion. They may not agree with what’s being said. They may be hurt or even angry. Yet even in their most agitated state they are able to express themselves without resorting to behavior that I believe reflects a lack of consciousness and a low capacity for self-reflection and accountability (e.g. name calling, guilt tripping, etc). They exercise the restraint needed to keep from saying or doing something that they can’t take back after the anger subsides and they return to a more calm state. And they demonstrate an authentic desire to really hear and process what the other person is saying. While arguments with these folks aren’t ‘fun’ the presence of respect and compassion help to ensure that the relationship will remain intact and grow stronger after all is said and done. Once the dust settles I remember who that person ‘became’ in the heat of the conflict and bring that awareness (and gratitude) into my future interactions him/her. Trust grows. My ability to be more emotionally vulnerable with that person grows. The relationship is strengthened.

The opposite happens when I interact with someone who exhibits abusive or hostile behavior during conflicts. Trust decreases drastically. My willingness to be emotionally vulnerable dissolves. The relationship is weakened or broken (sometimes irreversibly). It’s not that I take their behavior personally or judge them because of it. I have gotten to a place where I don’t even feel compelled to react to such behavior. Instead, I use the exchanges as teachable moments that illustrate where the other person is in his/her development and lets me know how much access to give him/her into my life and personal space going forward. I recognize and accept who this person becomes in times of challenge and stress. I have faith that the person has the capacity to evolve and grow. However, I recognize that it’s not my place to try to change them. You can’t drag people down the road of transformation and self-awareness. That’s a personal path that we each must travel at our own time and pace. Instead, I exercise my right to keep an emotional distance to minimize my exposure to energy and situations that don’t serve me.

It’s extremely liberating to know that I can choose who I have in my life and in what capacity – no matter who they are. This makes it easier for me to forgive and let issues go. It also keeps me from feeling guilty when I find it necessary to put up what I call my force field of consciousness which I do without any big proclamations or protracted conversations. The decision does not require the other person’s approval, permission, participation or understanding. All I can (and feel I MUST) do is:

•Accept the person for who s/he is without judgment

•Forgive them for any negative behavior that may stem from their lack of self awareness;

•Draw on MY new awareness to manage their level of access in my life; and (now this is the hard part)

•Say a silent prayer or blessing on their behalf in hopes that s/he will eventually find inner peace and balance.

The more I follow these principals the easier it is for me to stay on my path and focus on what’s really important – my own spiritual development and peace of mind.

Take time for you!

2010-08-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday I committed what, up until then, I considered to be an unspeakable act: I missed my baby cousin’s ‘going off to college’ party. I come from a very large, relatively close-knit family that takes family gatherings extremely seriously. If you are in town and there is something going on you are expected to be there. For us it’s critically important that we support one another and celebrate the special moments in each of our lives. We were raised not to take our family for granted and to be there for each other at all times.

I, like most of family, take this responsibility very seriously. Although I long since moved away from our home-town of Boston, I always make an effort to be in town for family functions, no matter how big or small, and no matter what the expense. So missing an event that was taking place while I was actually in town was just not heard of.

Unfortunately, on the day of this particular event I just didn’t have the mental strength leave the house, let alone go to a party. After spending six weeks in New York, I had returned to Boston for just three days when I had to travel back to New York for the day, return to Boston the next day to teach a class, and get up the next morning and take an 8 hour train ride to DC with my 4 year-old niece. After four days in DC I took a 10-hour train ride back to Boston and got straight to work. Not to mention that that the day before the party I rode 15 miles on my bike, took two Tae Kwon Do class, rehearsed the creation of my new piece and taught an outdoor dance class.

To say I was 'spent' the morning of the party would have been an understatement of the worst kind! My body was sore and my spirit was tired. I needed a day by myself. I needed to make a choice between sharing a special moment with my cousin and recharging my battery. By 10:00 a.m. I had made my decision. If I went to the party I would not have been fully present. Instead I would have been walking in a haze, barely able to move or really appreciate what was going on around me. On the other hand, if I stayed home I could give myself some much needed down time re-energize my mind and spirit and better prepare myself for the week ahead. I chose to put myself first and stayed home.

Surprisingly, the world didn’t end. My family didn’t disown me. And my sweet cousin completely understood when I told her the truth about my absence. I woke up on Monday completely replenished and better able to be of service to my family and the community that I hold so dear.

I’m glad that I took that moment and reminded myself that I should be the top priority on my ‘to do’ list. If am depleted and rundown then I am of no use to myself or those who I strive to support and serve. The greatest gift that I can give to another (family member, friend, community, etc.) is to take care of myself. Getting proper rest and nutrition, pursing my fitness goals, nurturing my mental and spiritual health – these things strengthen me and my ability to be of service others. I encourage you to make time for you!

Feeding my ego.....

2010-07-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

During a recent trip to Europe with OrigiNation (www.originationinc.org) I had an epiphany which radically changed my approach to public service. My intention for this trip was to create an opportunity for our students to learn about and grow from their exposure to a different culture. The idealist in me wanted them to be transformed by the experience, expand the lens through which they view their own lives, and raise their consciousness.

The trip was a success, we connected with a fabulous school where we conducted workshops and performed. And a number of the young people expressed a desire to go back and possibly live in London for a while as adults. However, we did have our share of challenges. One student’s bank card was eaten by the ATM machine so he had limited access to cash during our day-trip to Paris (a problem which he handled with a great deal of grace and maturity). Inter-personal tensions among some of the young people made for several awkward moments. And some folks were ill-prepared for the weather.

For the first few days I found myself obsessing over these little challenges. I worried whether the youth were having a good time. When I heard that one of them was homesick after the first day I started obsessing about what could be done to make him feel better. When some of the young people overslept and missed breakfast (because they chose to stay up all night talking) I found myself worrying that they would be hungry all day. And when, during a day trip to Paris, a few of them expressed that they weren’t really ‘feeling' the country because the people were ‘arrogant’ I became really aggravated. We were only there for a few hours and saw it from the comfort of a tour bus. I thought to myself: “How in the world can you know whether or not you’re ‘feeling’ a place and judge an entire population of a country based on a bus ride!”

Then one night, during a conversation with my sisters who were also on the trip, I had one of those Oprah "Ah ha moments". It occurred to me that the frustration and anxiety I felt was coming from my ego. On some level deep down in my subconscious, I believe that I wanted everyone to have a great time because I thought it would reflect positively on me. I had expectations of how they ‘should’ respond to this opportunity. And in those few instances when I saw behaviors that were not consistent with my expectations I took it personally and became annoyed and a little resentful. These expectations were keeping me from honoring the young people’s authentic expressions of what they were experiencing and, consequently, were keeping me from truly enjoying the trip. I also totally turned my back from a principal which guides me in my own life: whether we define them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ all experiences contribute to our growth and are, therefore, valuable.

I discovered that it’s not my place to put expectations on how young people (or anyone else for that matter) should respond to an event, program, service or any other initiative that I may offer. To do so would be an attempt to feed my ego’s need for affirmation. Instead, my role is simply to create an opportunity and safe space where growth and expanded learning can occur, shed light on any ‘teachable moments’ that may arise. Whatever unfolds beyond that is not my spiritual business. I’m grateful for the lesson and the freedom that coems with it.

The Benefit of the Doubt: A Gift for All Occasions!

2010-05-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

A few years back I had an argument with my brother Omekongo about closet space. At the time I was living with him, my sister-in-law and nieces in DC. We had just moved into a new house and I was staying in the guest room on the ground floor. The room didn’t have a closet so I was storing some of my things in the hall closet until I could get around to buying a closet unit for the room. One day my brother (a neat-freak for the ages!) suggested that I move some of my items to another closet to make more room in the hall closet for guests’ coats, shoes, etc. For some reason, I took the request extremely personally, interpreting it as a hint that my stuff (read: I) was in the way. I was so offended that I launched into this long soliloquy that propelled us into a protracted back and forth - the details of which I can’t even remember now.

Fortunately, Omekongo and I the don’t let grudges or problems go on between us for long. We were able to get back on track, get to the source of the problem (my misinterpretation of his comments) and move on. At one point during the debrief (or maybe it was during one of our previous arguments – hey we’ve known each other over 30 years an argument is to be expected every now and then!) he said it bothers him when I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt when a problem comes up. Upon reflection I recognized that he was asking me to approach him with an awareness of who he is at his core and the strength of our relationship and use that as the starting point for our conversation. In the case of the closet, my reaction was clouded by my apprehension about being in the way. However, the truth about my brother and my sister (in-law) Kendra is that they loved having me live with them. They’re both all about family and would probably love to see me move back to DC for my company and the extra help I can offer in raising our girls. So the comment about moving the clothes in the closet wasn’t a back-handed comment about me --it was just a question about clothes.

Since moving away from DC I have tried to incorporate this “Benefit of the Doubt” notion into my personal and professional relationships. It’s not always easy. I (along with a number of folks I know) have a tendency to take things personally and don’t always look at the source of a comment before reacting to what may appear to be a criticism or personal attack. This is especially true when I’m dealing with someone who I experience as being chronically negative and/or argumentative. However, in the instances where I am able to take a mental breath, really see the person in front of me (or on the phone, online, etc.) and look at the situation through the lens of that awareness, I find that I can diffuse my anxiety almost instantly, focus on the content of what is being said, and stay on purpose. Giving people the benefit of the doubt keeps me from piling on a boatload of emotions and connotations on top of what they are saying, dramatically reduces my stress level and helps to prevent me from creating problems where they don’t exist. The next time somebody you know says or does something that tap dances on the last nerve you have, why not try to give them the benefit of the doubt? If you know them to be a loving supportive friend or family member bring that awareness to your conversation and allow that to be the filter through which you hear their words or experience their actions. You and your relationship will be better for it!

'No’ is NOT a four-letter word!

2010-02-02T02:10:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who means what I say, and says what I mean. If someone asks me for a favor that involves giving of myself and my time (e.g. giving them a ride, babysitting, etc.) I usually only say ‘yes’ if I really WANT to do what I’m being asked. Otherwise I decline, using what author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle describes as a “quality ‘NO’”, one that is given with “no negative energy…and no resistance”. I generally don’t feel guilty or bad when I make the choice to put my needs first and don’t feel obligated to say yes to every request that comes my way.

This wasn’t always the case. For more years than I care to remember I struggled with the very unhealthy habit of saying ‘yes’ to EVERYBODY all the time. In a desperate attempt to live up to my self–imposed image as a ‘go to person’ I found myself consistently sacrificing my time, energy, money, and peace of mind to fulfill the needs of others. I would take on other peoples’ problems and spend tons of energy trying to ‘help ‘ him or her. If a friend needed to talk I would forgo sleep and my own work to be there to help them analyze their problems from a million different angles trying to find a resolution. If someone in my family needed something I would drop whatever I was doing to tend to their needs. Ever the dutiful daughter and consistent confidant. I was superwoman - or so I thought.

The problem with trying to be everything to everybody is that it left me feeling in a constant state of stress. I started dodging calls from people who I believed were ‘using’ me. I would sometimes walk around with an attitude as a pre-emptive strike so that folks wouldn’t ask me for things and I wouldn’t be in the position of having to do yet another favor or making up an excuse as to why I couldn’t help out. Or I would say ‘yes’ and have an attitude the whole time I was fulfilling the request.

I can’t pinpoint a specific event which made me become aware of this particular challenge. But as my awareness grew I began to see that I was not alone. I began to notice a number of friends and family (men and women) who were caught in the same cycle and decided I needed to make a change. I decided that I was going to make ‘no’ my friend. It wasn’t easy. I really struggled with saying no to family, especially when those requests involved my nephews and nieces. What would they think of me? Would they think I didn’t love them or the kids? Would I seem selfish? Sometimes I would say ‘no’ to family and feel so guilty that I would call them back and change my mind. It took some time and trial and error but it was worth it.

Today I live with a freedom of knowing that I have a choice of how and with whom I spend my time. Now, when I do say ‘yes’ I am able to deliver the promise or complete the task with no resentment or bitterness. Developing a healthy relationship with the word ‘no’ has helped to create appropriate boundaries in my personal and professional relationships. I still get the occasional raised eyebrow or a half-hearted guilt-trip attempt from folks when I decline an invitation or favor request. But that’s okay. Their responses don’t faze or move me. Instead I use them as an opportunity to further my practice of taking care of myself!

I encourage you to get in the driver's seat of your life. Discover the freedom that comes with knowing you DO have a choice when it comes to your time. Make choices that serve you and your quest for peace. It's one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and those who mean the most to you!

The O.W.E. Factor

2009-06-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

Offering Without Expectations

“After all I’ve done for you I can’t believe you would…...”

Sound familiar? It’s a common phenomenon: doing things for others with the expectation that they will either reciprocate the action or behave in a way that demonstrates their appreciation. It happens most often in our personal relationships. Many parents berate their children when they act out with constant reminders of all the sacrifices they made in order for them to have nice things, clothes, a roof over their head, etc. Spouses often choose to become offended when their ‘other half’ won’t do a certain task despite the numerous times the offended spouse has ‘gone the extra mile’ or been supportive. It also happens in the workplace when employers choose to be insulted when a high performing staff person on whom they may have bestowed special consideration (e.g. a raise, corner office, more time off) decides to leave.

I’ve been guilty of it. Once I invited myself to Atlanta to see a good friend. We hadn’t hung out in a while and always had a great time together so I was excited when we were able to find a date that worked for both of us. I went for a few days and had a great time. However, during the course of our visit, he made a remark that almost made me go off the deep end. I don’t remember all the details of what happened leading up to the incident. As I recall, we were getting ready to go to see “Jungle Fever”, which I wasn’t really keen on seeing. I said something about him being trifling for not letting me pick the movie since I was his GUEST. With his usual sarcasm he replied, ”Um. You invited yourself!’ Of course he was joking. It was part of our usual back and forth. So I really should not have read anything into it. But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t say anything out loud. But the voice in my head was going OFF! “Oh no he didn’t! How could he say that after I spent my money and took time off from work to come hang with him?! Does he know how many folks would appreciate an opportunity to spend this kind of time with me? I could have used the money I spent on this ticket to pay my bills!” I was heated. I gave him the silent treatment for about 20 minutes. (Of course he didn’t know what was up. However, he did have enough sense to wait until I started speaking to him before he dared open his mouth again). After we (actually I) got over it we went on to have a great visit.

Now that was back when I was in my 20’s (A.K.A: My era of Passive Aggression). In the 20 years that have passed since then I found myself repeating that dynamic over and over. It even started to manifest in my professional life. While I was working as an administrative assistant at a detention diversion center and then later as a community organizer, I often found myself becoming secretly angry whenever a young person I worked with got locked up, pregnant, or dropped out of school. "After all the time I invested……

After several years of being ‘let down’ by ‘ingrates’ and occasionally finding myself on the receiving end ofthe wrath of someone who felt I let THEM down by my apparent lack of gratitude, I eventually became aware of just how selfish and unfair this M.O. is. Giving to fulfill a need to appear to be a generous and good person while harboring a secret agenda taints the whole act. It has taken some time, but I am now at a place where I give for the solely for the sake of giving. Not because I want or expect something in return. Today I strive to O.W.E.: Offer Without Expectations. The results have been great!

I believe that we are all the keepers of our spirit and peace. I encourage you to let go of your attachment to the need for validation for your generosity beyond a simple ‘thank you’ (Sometimes you may not even get that!) Of course good manners are important. And it does feel good to be acknowledged for doing things for others. But that should not be our main focus. Serve and give with the purest of intensions. You will marvel in the peace it brings!

Who do you think you’re fooling?

2009-05-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

I weigh 183 pounds and am 42 years of age. There. I did it. In one sentence I shared with hundreds of people (many of whom I don’t know) two of the most closely guarded secrets kept by most women: my weight and my age. For some reason, many women in our society have been conditioned to believe that they are somehow ‘deficient’ if they don’t fit some physical ideal and/or are over a certain age so they go to great lengths to keep the information a secret. Some men do the same thing. Of course they tend to be less concerned with their weight and age than they are about their professional accomplishments, sports ability and ‘prowess’. The ‘deviations from the truth’ may be different, but the intention is often the same: to hide who they really are.

It’s tempting to lie or “stretch the truth” from time to time to save face or be spared the judgments of others. But the truth of the matter is that every lie we tell about who we are through our words (saying we weigh less or earn more than we really do) or through our actions (living beyond our means or staying in relationships that steadily destroy our spirit to avoid the ‘stigma’ of being single) has the same effect: a steady erosion of our self-confidence and dimming of our inner light.

Not accepting the truth of who we are short-circuits our ability to improve the areas of our lives with which we are dissatisfied. Living in a false realty prevents us from attracting people and recognizing opportunities that could help us make the changes needed to bring us closer to the person we want to be and answer the true calling on our lives. It also keeps us from experiencing gratitude for what IS working in our life. Not to mention the fact that 9 times out of 10 the person who is on the receiving end of the lie can probably see right through you. It’s a natural law from which there is no escape: the truth WILL out.

We all have areas our lives that we want to change or improve. We don’t need to wear all of our challenges on our sleeves or announce them to the world. However we could benefit greatly from accepting ‘what is’ so that we can create the mental space needed to craft the life that we want. Time spent maintaining the illusion of who you WANT to be would be better spent working on who you really are.

It hasn’t been easy but I have been striving to be my most authentic self with those closest to me. I have also been working to be less judgmental of others. This is a huge challenge for me because I am VERY opinionated and have a history of being extremely judgmental. I’m committed to making this change in myself in hopes that people around me will feel more comfortable being their authentic selves around me and return the favor.

So what about you? Do you have the courage to be your true self? You were born with a unique set of gifts and talents to fill a need in this world. We will never reap the benefits of your genius if you do not allow your true self to emerge – warts and all. You are the only ‘you’ this world will ever know. In encourage you to find the courage to live your truth and let all that you truly are shine through.

A Stranger's Lesson

2009-02-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last summer while in New York I observed a master class taught by Dwight Rhoden and Desmond Richardson, co-artistic directors of the world renown Complexions Contemporary Ballet (http://www.complexionsdance.org/). My sisters and I have known Dwight and Desmond for over 15 years having first met them while they were principal dancers with the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater teaching master classes in Boston. Taking class with them ‘back in the day’ was an experience unlike no other. Their choreography, music selection, and energy would electrify the dance studio and everyone in it. Their work was challenging and inspiring. So much so that my sister Musau and I would schedule our vacations from work around their teaching schedule and take two classes a day for the entire week every time they came to town.

As Dwight and Desmond progressed as choreographers and artists their classes evolved and became increasingly challenging. I have to admit that, as time went by, I allowed myself to become intimidated by the work and slowly began to retreat from the classes. First, I started to leave class right after the warm up and head for the dressing room at the first sign of something that I thought would be too much for me. I was fine with that, because their warm up was usually a good 30 - 40 minutes and extremely INTENSE so it wasn’t like I was completely slacking. Besides, I was getting older…nobody expected me to try to keep up with the real, younger dancers who flocked to the classes. Soon after, however, I stopped taking the classes all together.

My perspective changed while I was watching Dwight’s and Desmond’s class this summer during a visit to New York. I noticed something, rather someone, who inspired me to get back in the game. In the midst of about 30 very fit, very young dancers taking class, I saw a man taking class who was in his late 60’s, overweight and had absolutely no dance training whatsoever. Every time the men’s group took its turn doing the choreography he would come out, stand in the middle of the floor, and start doing his own thing – completely un-phased by what was going on around him. After his group went the second time, Dwight walked to where he was standing and whispered something to him. I was sure he told him that this class was too advanced for him and that he should probably excuses himself. As Dwight came walking back to the front of the class our eye’s met and he gave me a look that confirmed that I was right. Or so I thought.

The next time Dwight called the group, the guy came out and, once again, did his own thing. I was mortified! I was sure Dwight had told him to leave. How could he have been so disrespectful? After class while we were chatting I asked Dwight what he told the man. He said he just recommended that he dance in the back line when his group was on the floor so that he wouldn’t get hurt. When I asked him why he didn’t ask him to leave he said that the guy wasn’t bothering anybody so he let him be. As we were talking the man in question walked up to Dwight thanked him for class and asked me if I was a member of Complexions. I said ‘no’ and told him, half-joking, that he had more courage than I did since he took the whole class while I watched from the front. He looked at me with a big grin on his face and sweat pouring down his face and said “I just like to be in the room”.

His words almost moved me to tears. It summed up how I USED to feel when I took those master classes and it was something I missed. I could have chosen to challenge myself and do my best to master the work. Instead, I punked out. In the process I denied myself the powerful feelings of aliveness that I felt during the classes and the immense feelings of accomplishment that I felt after the classes were over.

“I just like to be in the room”. Hearing those words inspired me to get back in the saddle – and not just in the dance studio. Since the summer I’ve moved my dance training back to the top of my agenda. I’ve been seeking out new teachers and dance studios and pushing myself to build my technique and bolster my confidence. I’ve also set a goal to take a full-week of master classes with Dwight and Desmond this summer – without retreating to the dressing room when things get tough.

Complacency and fear are like carbon monoxide. If you are not vigilant they can sneak up on you and drain you of your life force before you know it. I am thankful to this stranger who opened my eyes to how I have allowed these two dream snatchers to stop me from pushing myself as a dancer. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to become a professional dancer. I just want to be like the courageous stranger: in the room, focused and fearless.

Grown Folks' Business

2008-10-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

Whenever I think about ‘ideal’ parents my friend Todd (not his real name) always makes my top five. A recently divorced father of two, Todd always puts his children’s needs first. Because of his devotion to their well being, I wasn’t surprised this past mother’s day when he purchased a really thoughtful gift for his children to give to their mother. Despite their less than harmonious relationship, he felt it was important for his children to experience the good feelings that come from presenting a gift to their mother. He wanted his children to know that they should always respect and take care of her – no matter what. Needless to say my admiration for Todd shot through the roof after that.

It is rare to find an adult who is willing to put aside his/her personal pain, frustrations, etc. so as not to inflict pain on their children and saddle them with emotional baggage that they could very likely carry into adulthood. Far too often, adults embroiled in tumultuous relationships involve their children in their drama. They ‘dog’ their spouses, significant others, or exes to their children, share every ‘trifling’ thing that the offending person has done, and often force them to choose sides.

Just last week a young woman (I’ll call her Rose) called me because she was angry that her mother had been ‘disrespected’ by her father and his family and that she was going to put a stop to it. At the time I couldn’t figure out why my conversation with Rose made me so uneasy. Then I had a light bulb moment during a morning run last week that shed light on my feelings. It was déjà vu. Rose is the exact same age now that her mother was when she started calling me about this same issue over two decades ago. Rather than inheriting jewelry or a secret family recipe from her mother, Rose had instead inherited her mother’s emotional baggage and anger. Sadly, in the absence of some type of intervening force, Rose will most likely pass her legacy on to her children as well.

Those of us who are charged with raising children (parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) have a profound responsibility to be careful about the emotional inheritance that we leave them. Granted, it’s not easy to hold our tongues and submit to a higher purpose when we are hurt or angry – especially when we are emotionally connected to the person we believe hurt us. I have five nephews and nieces. At some point all of their parents (my siblings and in-laws alike) have tapped danced on my last nerve. We get into to it from time to time. It’s an inevitable part of family dynamics. I may even vent to my other siblings about them. However I have never, nor will I ever involve our children in what is commonly referred to as ‘grown folks’ business’ by dogging their parents to them. To do so would be highly irresponsible and could negatively impact their personal and emotional development in ways I may never fully comprehend.

Children don’t get to choose their parents or their relatives. Adults make those choices for them – and we don’t always get it right. When we come to the realization that we did indeed make a bad decision about the person with whom we chose to bring children into this world, then it is up to us to handle our business, protect ourselves, and do whatever is necessary to maintain (or reclaim) our dignity without vilifying that other person to our children. We must leave our children out of grown folks' business in order to maximize their chances of emerging from conflicts between their parents with as little emotional damage as possible. My eighth grade teacher used to say: “Old young…Long Old”. Our children will be ‘grown’ soon enough. Let’s not age them prematurely by bogging them down with issues and problems that were not of their making. They deserve better.

Let's raise our standards!

2008-08-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

I conducted a workshop for a group of high school students recently which left me really puzzled and annoyed. Prior to meeting with the students, the faculty person who arranged the workshop ‘warned’ me repeatedly that the group would be extremely challenging. Among other things she told me that they often didn’t listen and routinely ‘challenged her’ for control of the classroom. She also let me know that I shouldn’t expect much – just do my best. Each time she shared her ‘words of wisdom’ with me, I cringed inside and wondered: If these kids were as sorry as she was making them out to be, why does she even bother teaching, let alone spend the school’s resources to hire me for a workshop?

When I finally walked into the class and began my presentation I actually thought she had switched the students at the last minute. Rather than being disruptive and disrespectful most of the students were engaged, alert, and participated in all of the exercises with a level of enthusiasm that got ME pumped. They thoughtfully answered questions about their career choices, passionately spoke about what they wanted for their futures, and earnestly identified the external and internal obstacles that they believed were standing in their way. They also listened intently as I shared my own experiences and offered them tools that could help get them on the path that could lead them to the lives that they wanted. In fact, they asked so many questions and offered so much personal information that the workshop ran over by a full hour.

Needless to say the faculty person was stunned. She claimed she had no idea what came over her students. Still, she felt that, despite their positive showing during the workshop, most of them “wouldn’t make it anyway”. With that statement, my blood began to boil and I had to engage every ounce of strength that I had to maintain my composure and professional demeanor.

Don’t get me wrong. I come from a long line of teachers and my family has run a youth group in Boston (http://www.originationinc.org/) for almost 15 years. One of my brothers is a teacher and another is a staff development coordinator at two different high schools in two different states. I know first hand the challenges that young people can present in and outside of the classroom. I have the highest regard for those in the teaching profession who are often underappreciated, overlooked and perpetually underpaid. However, there are a number of teachers, youth workers and other professionals who work with our young people who hold them in such contempt and regard them with such disdain that it is not surprising that so many of our youth are not succeeding in school or beyond. This element within the teaching profession truly believes that their students are ‘lost causes’ and are of little value to our society. As a result they hold their students to the lowest possible standards and refuse to challenge them to live up to their true potential. I’ve walked the halls and peaked into classrooms of some high schools recently and have been appalled by what I’ve seen: Students sitting in classes listening to music on their ipods and other devices during lectures; young boys feeling up girls in the hallways as if they were in a movie theater or at a club rather than in an institution of learning; kids using the worst kind of profanity to refer to one another in the presence of teachers; and much worse.

I know that many of our principals and teachers who WANT to push their students and challenge them to come up higher are often frustrated by the bureaucracy and red tape that seem to characterize some school system. Yet they still find a way to push their students to highest levels of achievement.

Unfortunately, there are also those who have lost (or never had) their passion for teaching and turn a blind eye to what’s going on in their schools. Thankfully, I believe these bad seeds (yes I said it!) are in the minority. However, the state of our youth is such that we can’t afford to allow ANYONE who is not wholly committed to providing their students with an optimal learning experience within 15 miles of a school yard. I appreciate the fact that teachers cannot work in a vacuum and must have the full support of their students’ parents, guardians and other adults in the proverbial ‘village’ to maximize their chances of success in the classroom. Right now I’m concerned with the teachers. I’ll save my comments on the ways other adults are failing our children for another time.

So what are we to do? I could site thousands of proposals and policy recommendations on how to improve our schools that are currently circulating among various local state and federal agencies. But I will leave that to the policy makers and scholars who are infinitely better versed in this subject than I am. Instead I offer this very simple (some might think ‘oversimplified’) suggestion to any teacher who may be reading:

If you don’t want to be a teacher quit. If you make the CHOICE to stay in the profession – for WHATEVER reason then suck it up, be present, and bring YOUR ‘A game’ to the table every time you walk into your school.

I know it’s not easy. Sometimes it’s thankless work. The stories that my brothers share with me about their experiences would bring chills to even the most cynical among us. My own experiences with young people in my workshops, the neighborhood where I grew up, and the work I do with OrigiNation have tested the limits of my patience, compassion and understanding like nothing else. I’ve been cut trying to break up a street fight and have had scissors thrown at me by young people I was trying to help. But, I along with the other teachers in my family and all of the top-notch teachers with whom I’ve worked accept this reality and choose to engage with our students in such a way that pushes them to strive for their personal best.

Come on people. Pull up. I encourage you to expect nothing less than the best from the youth you serve and bring the best of who YOU are to work everyday. Go to work with the intention to make a difference in the lives of the students entrusted to your care. The results may surprise you.

Thanks for listening!

M.B. Dibinga
www.bijimbaconsulting.com

Visionimpositionitis

2008-02-02T03:05:00.000-08:00

During a recent workshop I met a high school sophomore (I’ll call her ‘Carmen’) who was suffering from something I call Visionimpositionitis - a condition whereby the sufferer accepts the vision that her parents or other loved ones have for her future rather than pursue what she believes to be her true calling. Initially, Carmen’s condition was difficult to detect. When we were introduced I asked her what she hoped to do after she graduated. Without hesitation she laid out her 10-year plan which concluded with her becoming a doctor and working in private practice. If it was not for the blank look she had in her eyes as she walked me through her plan she would have fooled me. As the day progressed and we became more comfortable with one another she asked me about my work. When she found out that my family runs a performance arts program (http://www.originationinc.com/) she became extremely excited and began to talk about her fascination with the arts. After a while, I asked her when she first decided to pursue medicine. Her response made my heart sink a little. She said, “I didn’t. My parents did.” When I asked her what she really wanted to do in life her eyes lit up and she proclaimed, “I want to dance!”

I am very familiar with the challenges that artists face so I understand Carmen’s parents’ reluctance to endorse dance as a career choice. I expressed the same concern years ago when one of my younger brothers told me he wanted to become a professional basketball player. I knew he had talent. But I also knew that his dream was a long shot. The thought of him struggling financially as an adult or suffering the disappointment of not ‘making it’ was just too much. I felt the most responsible thing would be to encourage him to pursue a more stable career. While he’s found fulfillment and success as a spoken word artist and an educator (http://www.omekongo.com/), I sometimes wonder how different his life might have been had I not imposed my fears on him.

Since meeting Carmen, I’ve met several young people, in various stages of life, who are suffering from Visionimpositionitis. And if I had a dollar for every adult I know who is living with the condition, I would have enough to travel the world several times over. It’s time for a change.

I believe that one of the best things that we can do to maximize our children’s chances of success is to encourage them to pursue career paths that (1) match their interests and talents and (2) bring them joy and satisfaction. We should not allow our fears to become an obstacle to their personal and professional fulfillment. If we, the adult members of the proverbial ‘village’ do our part and arm our children with a solid education, resilience, confidence and healthy self-esteem, they will be more than equipped to wheather the ups and downs of any career path they choose. As long as their pursuits do not cause harm to themselves or others why not give our children the support and encouragement they need to explore the world and pursue their dreams? Sure, they may suffer setbacks occasionally. In those times we should be there to pick them up and dust them off without judgment or a barrage of I told you so’s. If left untreated, young people who suffer from Visionimpositionitis grow up to be dissatisfied, unfulfilled adults who settle for what life brings rather than take advantage of all that life has to offer. Our youth deserve better than that.

Thanks for Listening!

M.B. Dibinga
http://www.bijimbaconsulting.com/

P.S. If you are an adult who is still suffering from the side affects of Visionimpositionitis remember - you're never too old and it's never too late. Change your life!

Hapy New Year and Welcome to My Blog!

2008-01-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I hope that you had an enjoyable and peaceful holiday season!I am very excited about the New Year and the launch of my blog. Although I have an opinion about absolutely EVERYTHING, I was reluctant to share them with world. The world is full of people who think that they have the answers to all that ails us. I am definitely not one of those people. However, now that I have taken it upon myself to go into schools and community groups with the intention of motivating young people to come up higher in their lives, it seems like a great time to share some insights about who I am. My future posts will cover a wide range of topics – especially those pertaining to how we can better prepare our young people to become the ‘power players’ that I believe they are all destined to be. For now, I just wanted to share the logic behind the title of my blog.

The phrase “Live the Lesson” reflects where I am in my personal and professional development. It’s a phrase that I use to remind myself to ACT upon the lessons that I have learned through my own experiences and those of others. How many of us have started a sentence by saying “If I knew then what I know now…” yet don’t actually use what we DO know to improve our quality of life? How many of us continue to eat foods that we KNOW have made us feel run down in the past and have done a serious number on our bodies? How many of us continue to allow the same toxic people (or their clones) into our lives despite the many times they have transgressed against us? How many of us continue to pursue a career path that robs us of our joy – staying with a job we hate, or taking similar jobs with different companies while hoping against hope that things will get better?

Living the Lesson is a challenge that I put to myself (and the youth that I speak to) to honor myself and my mistakes by using that information to improve the quality of my life. We have all made decisions and have done things that we wish we could change. We can’t un-ring the bell. But we can forgive (NOT RE-LIVE) our past mistakes and change our course. This is what I attempt to do in my own life with varying degrees of success. This is also why I share the ‘not-so-bright’ sides of my story (along with my successes) with young people who may be facing some of the same challenges that I did when I was growing up. I’m committed to using my challenges as ‘teachable moments’ in the hope that young people will either avoid the mistakes altogether or become inspired by the fact that they too can survive and thrive inpsite of or because of them. I’m not sure where this new path as a ‘Motivational Speaker’ will take me. But I appreciate your coming along for the ride!

Sincerely,

M.B. Dibinga